[Parody Warning Here]
18 Jun 2018 07:32:58
Scientist have just published a draft paper claiming that typing on a mechanical keyboard can substantially lower your life expectancy.

Based on a study of over nearly 250,000 keyboards bought over the last 5 years scientists have determined that owning a Cherry MX Blue switch keyboard will reduce your average life expectancy by 5 years and buying a now ironically named Happy Hacking keyboard will lower this further, by a whopping 10 years.

Research showed that of the 248,087 keyboards bought in the study by 51,233 users a whopping 206,384 mechanical switch keyboards were bought by 11,061 participants and 41,672 standard rubber dome keyboards were bought by 40,146 participants. With 31 “other” keyboards being bought by the remaining 26. Researches stress that while Topre is rubber dome they’ve controversially included them with mechanical keyboards. When we emailed Scientist and “keyboard enthusiast” Sheldon Whitaker lead author on the paper that they were just fancy rubber domes he replied with “Say that to my face *****, I ******* dare ya!!”

Users of Cherry MX Blues are more likely to die early from; Staple wounds, Pen stabbings, Strangulations and Misc Office Violence. While Topre users are more likely to commit suicide after a long bout of depression. Both groups also suffer an increased risk of being homeless and destitute which in itself carries more risks.

Based on all this we asked Dr Whitaker if he advise people to not use Cherry switches. “Not at all, as any smoker will tell you, it’s worth it. Who wants to live to old age anyway?”

We totally agree any won’t be giving up out Vortex Pok3r RGB* based on this.

*This article was not sponsored by Vortex, but if you’re reading this vortex, I’m almost homeless after buying a sixth one for the kitchen smart TV. Now the RGB CORE? I NEED IT.