[Parody Warning Here]
Amazon Introduces Dash a Lawyer
25 Jun 2018 07:56:04
Amazon is expanding it’s Dash button lineup by offering newer larger scale purchases as well as selective services.

The first of the new Dash buttons is for a legal firm who will be dispatched to your house within 24 hours to deal with your problems. “You get into a fight with another car on the road and he bumps you, or your neighbor is playing loud music late at night and is keeping you awake before your early morning shift starts. You think, if only there was a solution. Well you could sue them, but by the time you get out of your car or out of your bed you’ve forgotten but you’re still in a bad mood or tired. Our easy dash buttons will mean you can order a lawyer and forget about it to the next day when they’ll help you get the compensation you are due.” Managing Director of Dash said in an interview to The Guardian. For now this button will be made exclusively available within America as Amazon pushes to sign up small legal firms around the country to fulfill its expected demand.

They’ll also be releasing a Dash Holiday button for when you really need a break, fast. Amazon leveraging the power of it’s machine learning on AWS, will look at your purchases as well as any searches made with Alexa or on one of it’s devices. It’ll then book the soonest available flights, trains and hotels before dispatching a taxi to your house. “The tech we’re using here is really fantastic, it know you want to go to Hawaii, it knows the temperature in Hawaii this time of year and maybe it’s not right for you right now, maybe Canada would be better, ok bad example. But you get my point, it KNOWS you and with an hour you can by whisked away from the real world on the trip of your life.”

So far we have to say we’re a little disappointed in the Dash buttons we’ve tried so far. After running out of toilet roll one of our writers pressed the button, but after 3 hours of waiting resorted to a half squat walk home so as not to ruin his trousers, something that caused him serious mental anguish. If only he had of had an Amazon Dash Lawyer button.